I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
