Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
