I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
