I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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