I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
