Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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