The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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