This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
