If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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