i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
