i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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