BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
