Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
