JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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