the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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