Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think people are normalizing furries
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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