i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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