Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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