I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
