he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
