why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
