I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
