just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
