I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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