Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
