I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
