john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
