I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
