First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
