It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
