He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
