Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
