I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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