did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
