i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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