The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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