Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
