nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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