"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
