the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
