I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
