So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
