I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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