My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
