will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
