i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
