Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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