I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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