I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
