I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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