Where is the hickey?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
