I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
